Guest post by staff writer Will Van Stone, Jr.
I’ve been a fan of yours for a while now and have enjoyed your wit and wisdom on many a morning. I haven’t always agreed with every word you typed but there’s never been a moment where I was all oh, no she di’int until today. In case you don’t automatically realize which response has led to this moment, here ya go. {Editor comment: please read the article before commenting.} It’s cool. Go remember. I can wait.
Back now? Cool.
Do you know why you’re in the deep doodoo? Have you seen the error of your ways? Do you understand how horrible the “advice” you gave to “Uncertain in Illinois” was? If you don’t, let me give you some advice.
Referring to Rape as a ‘Breakdown in Communications’
She knew a boy who totes wanted to do her but wasn’t all into gettin’ the D. As that’s her choice, she has every right to not want it. While she was okay with a bit of snogging, she wasn’t ready to go all the way. Yes, she states that she went with him to the secluded area but that doesn’t mean she was giving consent. It meant that she was in the boy’s truck while he drove. Those are the facts as Uncertain relayed them.
Still with me?
While they were in the secluded area, they had sex (as Uncertain referred to it and seeing neither of us were there, that’s what we’ll call it, too), during which she said she told him he was hurting her three times before he stopped. That right there is a red flag that pushes the episode more into the rape column. Now, he could’ve just been the worst lay in the history of ever and was so caught up in the oo-la-la feelings down under to notice, but something tells me that’s not the truth. Call it instinct.
Bad Advice is Bad Advice
Now, after the incident, she got conflicting advice when she went to two close friends with her story that went from one extreme to the other: I told two of my close friends about what happened. One said he had essentially raped me. The other said it doesn’t count as rape because even though I said it hurt, I didn’t say it forcefully enough. They were just as wrong as you, just so you know. Why?
Simple. Only the person who may or may not have been raped can say they were or were not. They need to look at the situation and come to the conclusion for themselves. We, on the outside, cannot dictate someone’s thoughts on what happened aside from guaranteeing a proper education about what rape is (which is something, it seems, many do not receive). And encouraging “tell an adult” message is good; from there, Uncertain could’ve worked on figuring out the mess in her head.
And, congrats, you did tell her that. You said to go to her parents or other trusted adult, though I wonder at the non mention of la policia. But, hey, maybe that’s me nitpicking. For all the good of that paragraph, you ruined it all from line one when you wrote:
It appears you and that boy had a severe breakdown in communication, which led to your being sexually assaulted. He had made no secret that he wanted sex with you, and may have interpreted your willingness to kiss him after he took you somewhere other than what was agreed upon as a signal that you were willing, even though you didn’t say so.
Rape Isn’t Caused by a Severe Breakdown in Communication
I’m not even sure where the hell to begin. I mean, rape isn’t cause by “a severe breakdown in communication” but from one person forcing or otherwise coercing another into having sex they don’t want. So what if he didn’t hide his raging hormones! That sounds an awful lot like the boys will be boys defense and as a boy, that fucking offends me (and I’m not easily offended, so congrats on that). I can be as horny as hell, but still able to keep my penis out of places it’s not welcome. It’s called common decency, something you seem to assume owners of boy parts are incapable of.
Okay, maybe that last part was pushing it, but that part just really annoyed me.
Now, with that in mind, I’m even more amazed that you followed that up with a pretty accurate (in an old timey way cause let’s be honest, rape goes beyond unwanted penis in vagina) description of rape when you said Date rape happens when a fellow ends up coercing or forcing a girl to have sex without her consent. Unless a girl explicitly expresses her willingness to proceed, it is the responsibility of the boy NOT to proceed.
How can you place (partial) blame on her while then calling out the boy for doing wrong? Rape isn’t a “share the blame” game.
One side is wrong. It doesn’t matter if she was buck nekkid, spread eagle with a neon sign pointing to her niblets, she didn’t want it. Getting into a car and getting’ your kiss-kiss on is not consent for a bit of the pokey; it’s kissing. Whether she screamed for help or not, she obviously didn’t want it. She also wouldn’t be wondering if she was raped. Something inside her seems to be telling her something bad was done to her. And you turned that shit around and laid it on her lap.
Rape Culture, Defined
It needn’t be loud or messy or involve a creepy creeping creeper sneaking up on you in a dark alley and all that stereotypical stuff that scary nightmares are made of. It’s a simple refusal to not stop when permission hasn’t been given. Your response failed her; a scared, confused girl who doesn’t know what to think. You, a trusted voice, fell back on a twisted mix of rape culture and sexist information to tell her the way wrong thing.
Dear Abby, I never thought I’d say this but shut the fuck up.
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